The Gifts of Education: Relationship Building

Welcome to the second post in my series that I'm lovingly calling the Gifts of Education. While my post on creativity focused on a more obvious change education brought to my life, I wanted to focus my second post on a less obvious skill that I have gained: the ability to form strong, productive relationships. I hope you enjoy it.

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A few years ago, my parents brought me some of my old belongings in boxes, many from high school. While I rarely wrote in my diary on a regular basis, I would periodically provide updates on the highlights of that current point in my life. One entry had the following line - 

• Friends: none

As I read the line, I felt the knot in my stomach grow as a remembered how true this statement was during that time. I was frequently bullied and quickly drove away into the sunset after my graduation day, vowing to never speak to anyone who walked those halls with me ever again. While my college years were considerably better, I still had massive social anxiety and rarely initiated conversations on my own, especially outside my immediate friend group.

Now, I imagine at least some readers (especially educators) are now thinking 'If you didn't have strong relationship building skills, how on EARTH did you make it as a teacher?' It is only in hindsight that I'm able to offer an explanation for why I had a knack for building relationships with students, despite my lack of practice in my younger years. 

1. My desire to enter education was grounded in an unwavering belief that every single student I would ever meet is incredibly capable and has some form of brilliance worth cultivating and offering to the world, even if it isn't recognized by societal standards.
2. The most important thing a teacher can do to ensure student learning and success is to build strong relationships with their students. Without this, you don't stand a chance at becoming an amazing teacher.

So that's exactly what I focused on and studied - how to build relationships with my students and find the thing that made them shine (especially if it wasn't math). I mimicked techniques for conversation and getting to know students from my mentor teachers and took a true interest in the students in my care. Even if I didn't particularly like all of my students, I could still list one inspiring thing about each of them and it made me proud to know them. While this approach was pragmatic, I also found that taking on this view made me a happier person and our classroom a special place. I could survive my encounters with adults (a few I came to befriend), but it was nowhere near the community I had built within our classroom walls each school year. That time will forever be stamped in my mind as one filled with joy and connection.
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This takes me to my first job working with ONLY adults... no students to buffer my social awkwardness, no class bell to help me escape stressful social situations with colleagues. I was on my own with just 'grown ups' in the land of cubicles and meeting rooms. As the Professional Learning Specialist for the Division of Student Equity and Opportunity, I was primarily tasked with improving the quality of professional learning across all teams - many supporting areas where I had little to no expertise. While the task seemed overwhelming at first, my manager started me off with the perfect first assignment: build relationships with each of the departments I supported. My ability to get projects (and potentially keep my job) was dependent upon the department teams wanting to work with me and finding my support valuable. Based upon my experience with students, I knew that strong relationships would be crucial to my success.

While I had never attempted something like this before, I did what any good mathematician would do in this kind of situation: rework the problem a little bit until it resembled something I've already solved and then 'return to case 1' (aka, do what I did before). I expanded my previous solution to include adults, which provided me the following amended approach: 

1. I believe that every single person I will ever meet is incredibly capable and has some form of brilliance worth cultivating and offering to the world, even if it isn't recognized by societal standards.
2. The most important thing a person can do to ensure another person's learning and success is to build a strong relationship with them. Without this, you don't stand a chance at becoming an amazing collaborator (or friend). 

Since this time, I have made it my mission to find the brilliance that shines within every person I meet. It turns out that this is a really great way to build strong relationships, especially those that form incredible collaborative teams. When you all know each other's strengths and admire what they bring to the team, you can do some pretty amazing things together. Your time spent meeting together becomes a special place of joy and camaraderie, even in the most challenging of moments. 

This leads me to the brief exchange I had with a teacher that I used to coach. He probably doesn't remember it, but I will remember this conversation for the rest of my life as the moment I tangibly understood my approach to building relationships. We ran into each other going opposite directions in the school stairwell and he stopped me.

• T: How do you do it?
• Me: Um... do what?
• T: See something good about everyone. You know something great about everyone you meet and you help others see it.
• Me: Because I think there is something good about everyone. And even if there isn't, believing it makes me a happier person and I would rather live my life that way.​

It also turns out that when you take this approach, you make some really good friends :) Thank you to all of the people in my life that helped me along this journey -  especially the colleagues turned friends (my high school self would be so happy to know you exist!). Most importantly, thank you to the students I spent so many days with in our classroom. It was the first place within school walls I ever felt like I belonged and had a community I could call my own. It continues to mean more to me than you will ever know. I hope I was able to give you even a fraction of the gift you gave me. Thank you 💗​